The Top 10 Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

Have you ever experienced insecurities in a relationship and wondered if that meant your significant other was not the right person for you? While this could be the case, you could also be operating from a lack of emotional confidence and security which, as a result, is causing you to second-guess your partnership. "You can be insecure in your relationship and absolutely be with the right person," relationship therapist Alysha Jeney explains. "You may just be self-sabotaging because you are afraid to let anyone in too closely." For some, this may look like doubting everything your partner tells you, while, for others, this may result in you constantly feeling attacked, offended, or panicked.

There's something more harmful to a relationship than the actions that arise from insecurities, however: Not realizing that you're actually feeling insecure about your partnership. The truth is, many people don't realize how their insecurities manifest on a day-to-day basis, which can really have a negative impact on the way they consciously and subconsciously interact with their partners. That's why we asked Jeney to help highlight the top 10 signs that signify you're feeling insecure about you and your partner's relationship—and how to overcome this internal feeling. Read on for more.

The Origins of Insecurity and How It Develops

Your core insecurities often stem from attachment wounds, which is a way to describe any time there was a significant relationship that ruptured your trust in the past, Jeney shares. "This can create defensiveness that pushes people away and robs us of the opportunity of ever letting anyone truly in," she explains. It's also worth noting that this is not the same thing as a lack of trust, but a defensive mechanism to keep you safe from experiencing the same type of pain you've felt in the past.

Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

Understanding and recognizing your insecurities can not only free you from negative thought patterns, but it can help rectify any uncertainty and tension you and your partner may be experiencing. That said, if you feel like you're dealing with any of the below patterns, it might be time to consider counseling, as well as self-awareness work, to determine if it's coming from external sources or if you are just with an incompatible person, notes Jeney.

1. You tend to doubt every little thing your partner says, you consistently stalk social media sites, you snoop on your partner, or you feel threatened easily.
2. You struggle with feeling close sexually or emotionally (or both), and/or you can feel your guard up during intimate moments.
3. During a conflict, you panic that your partner will leave you, reject you, or judge you.
4. You consistently need validation from your partner and are always asking them for compliments to help you feel secure in the relationship.
5. You feel immediately offended, hurt, or shut down by something your partner asks of you. You instantly feel criticized and want to defend yourself by arguing or by shutting down completely.
6. You feel jealous of the other people in your partner's life and/or you don't want them to spend time with other people.
7. You pick fights and make them extreme issues, you use hurtful or definitive words, and you create huge arguments around something that isn't very big.
8. You struggle when it comes to permitting yourself to just be you, you judge yourself often, and/or you hold yourself to unrealistic high standards.
9. You consistently "test" your partner and give them ultimatums.
10. You often over-apologize for small things, in fear that your partner will leave you or be mad at you.
    

How to Overcome Insecurity in a Relationship

First things first, give yourself grace if you're feeling insecure in your relationship. While it can be painful and difficult to live with this negative thought pattern, there's likely a reason why you feel this way, and help is available for you if you're willing to do the work.

If you don't trust easily.

For those dealing with bouts of trust issues, Jeney recommends practicing mindfulness and journaling when you feel insecure about your union. "Can you challenge your thoughts and look at a scenario giving your partner the benefit of the doubt?" she asks. She further shares that practicing mindfulness helps "challenge your negative thought patterns and helps you become more aware of where your feelings are coming from. You will learn how to better cope with reactions and thoughts, rather than projecting them onto your partner and then laser-focusing on something potentially superficial and irrelevant."

If you struggle with intimacy.

It's important to understand intimacy and what it means to you and your partner, so ask yourself whether you and your partner experience closeness and intimacy in the same way. Then, work on where your guards come from—society's expectations, insecurities, past abuse, and/or fears. "It will help you communicate with your partner so you can both be on the same page. Be patient with each other and understand your differences," Jeney says.

If you become panicked easily.

Identify the first time you felt this sense of panic and pinpoint it to an event to see how it's playing a role in your current situation. What did you need to hear then, and what do you need to hear now? If it's the same, try telling yourself that message when you start to feel triggered again. This will give you "permission to feel how you feel, which is actually validating and soothing," Jeney explains. "It also gives you insight into past patterns and influences which can help you see things from a different perspective, so you can de-escalate the panic and communicate more rationally."

If you always feel attacked.

For those who feel easily attacked by their partners, ask yourself:

• "How many of my thoughts are assumptions?"
• "What did my partner actually say?"
• "Can there be a possibility I'm internalizing this scenario and making it something it's not?"

"It helps you challenge your thoughts and look at the scenario from an objective lens. You're able to understand what your partner is trying to communicate without the hyper-emotion," says Jeney.

If you tend to initiate fights.

Reflect on three to five fights you've had in the past and look at them objectively. Ask yourself what was underneath the content you were arguing about and try to identify patterns. "You may be able to identify internal patterns you weren't aware of," notes Jeney. "Maybe you are making bigger arguments out of smaller details because you never felt a big issue was repaired fully; maybe you struggle with allowing yourself to feel truly close to someone so you're sabotaging happiness; maybe you have needs that aren't being met in your relationship but it's easier to fight about the laundry or who they added on Instagram rather than directly address them."

If you consistently judge yourself.

Work on yourself so you don't fall into a trap of co-dependency and never allow your authentic self to grow. Go to counseling, read books, and practice your spiritual or soulful work. Look at how your past has influenced your present, and give yourself permission to work through it. Most importantly, give yourself grace and love. According to Jeney, by doing self-work, "You learn not to rely on others in an unhealthy way to 'fix or soothe' your perceived issues. You will get the emotional confidence and empowerment to show up authentically. It also helps you to identify triggers and subconscious influences so you can soothe, repair, or avoid them in the future."